So I am in camp. New environment, new people, the worst conditions for me. I’m not dealing with it well. All alone, introspective, depressed. I guess a part of it has to do with there being no distractions so I am left to loathe. Self-loathe, about all my weaknesses, failures. It is a downward spiral, I cant seem to get out of.
I have friends, on the outside but it can be hard letting people in. I feel weak. I hate admitting that. People hardly understand, they can’t empathise. I don’t get to feel better. I wonder what I need though. What’s the solution? Maybe I just need someone who would just take me as their project, push me, make me better, love me (regardless of whether I can recipocate). I really dont know.
I have never uttered those words to anyone. (Mum, Dad, brother and sister don’t count here) . I wonder what it would take me to say those exact words.
It isn’t that I haven’t had strong feelings for someone before but I still didn’t utter the those words. I guess I am scared. I guess it means a lot more to me than mere words.
I have oscillated between believing in love and not, between seeing the value in feelings and not. Sometimes, I wish they (feelings) didn’t exist, that all that existed was cold hard logic
Maybe love isnt what I think it is. Maybe I have felt it and just didn’t recognize it. Maybe I was just too scared. Maybe I felt it was need, obsession.
Maybe, maybe, maybe
I have been struggling. It is fight between myself and I. Between me and Anti-me and I have been losing. Badly. There is the future I seek, the dreams I have, but it is blurry because Anti-me is getting in the way. He knows all my strategies, my weak points, my insecurities. He points out when I make mistakes, he rubs it in.
“See! you did that again. I knew you couldn’t do it. I knew you would fail, you would disappoint.”
And I know it is true. I am not where I should be. I am struggling, putting up a fight but it is hard fighting this adversary.
I have given up once, I am not giving up again. I don’t intend to but I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need fresh inspiration, assurances, re-assurances, that it is all going to be worth it, that I would make it through, that I would be fine.
Maybe, I have set my sights high. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I need a bit of direction
So it has been quite a while since I blogged. I get inspiration sometimes, write stuff down and then it is gone.
What did I do today? Well, today was election day. I didnt get to vote. I didnt have a permanent voter’s card. I was home all day (most days I am anyway) doing stuff, reading, trying to improve myself. The first thing I got my hands on were some Project Euler based question on hackerrank. I tried to refactor my code, it has better performance but still wasnt enough. I guess I have to rethink my approach all together. Sigh.
I cant remember for sure, what next I did but I believe it was to implement the Dijkstra’s algorithm from the book, Algorithms Unlocked. It gave me issues or rather, I should say I gave myself issues. I finally got it to work. One has to be patient with code, be displined too. Some of my problems were as a result of lack of discipline, not sticking to the right way instead of taking shortcuts. I still havent imbibed the habit of commenting my code.
Then, I decided to review the book, Structure and Interpretation of Computer Languages. I am back to my lazy ways again. It seems like too much work to do all the exercises though they are a crucial part of the book. This my second time going through this particular chapter. I am assimilating more concepts now. That always happens when I review my notes. Chapter 3 is on Modularity, State and … something else. The core idea in 3.1 is the introduction of assignment and how it is a game changer. How the substitution model is no longer sufficient.
After that, I got my hands dirty with the Raspberry Pi. Tinkered with Blinking LEDs and got my ultrasonic sensor to work!
And did I say I spent the day chatting too? One person stood out 🙂
That’s basically it. I am posting this anyway. Without editing. I need to lubricate my hands! Welcome! 🙂
So I want to try out blogging. I need to improve my writing skills and I have a lot of stuff I want to talk about with like minded people. Hope you enjoy